Dear Pastor John,
Thankfully I was able to follow the Sunday morning meeting live this time, and there was a testimony that reminded me of something that happened to me 2 years ago.
Damien mentioned that God one time asked him: “What would you do if I told you, you’re gonna be damned, no matter what you do for the rest of your life?” I think Damien’s answer was something like “I would still try to live right just in case there was a crack in the doorway”.
Well, throughout my life of faith there were a number of times when I was tempted by a spirit (one that felt very strong and powerful at the time) that told me that my faith and my love for God is a lie, my repentance has always been a lie, that I was heading to sure damnation.
The first time it happened was in 2006, after I left the Bible College for the first time because I felt there was a lack of sincerity about their doctrine on the baptism of the holy Ghost. I think it only took a couple of days after I left the campus and moved back home that this feeling of complete hopelessness, gloom and an utter lack of right feelings (such as love, joy, peace) took over me, and I instantly believed that that was God revealing the truth to me about myself. I thought it was all over for me. What I did not understand then, but I do understand now, is that some of my thoughts and feelings at the time were true, namely, that I, indeed, had not been born again yet, I didn’t have the Spirit of God inside of me. God was being merciful to me by letting me sense that something was missing from my life. But (and this is a wonderful truth that you mentioned yesterday, Pastor John, that means so much to me for a number of reasons), even though I didn’t have the Spirit at the time, my name had already been written in the Lamb’s book of life from the foundation of the world, and so, I was already a child of God, I had already been conceived and was being formed in the womb, and it was only a matter of time for me to come around and become the new creation I was always meant to be.
This period took more than 5 years, at the end of which (after the Christmans of 2011, in Germany, in the house of my sister’s family) I experienced true repentance for the first time in my life, and a few days later, while alone in my room back in Hungary, I received the baptism of the holy Ghost.
The second time I was tempted by this same spirit, and I gave into it, was when I was visiting with you all in Graham. I remember I even told a number of you, while we were sitting around in your house, that I feel like I am not a believer. Again, I got convinced that the good things God had done in my life up until that point were all a big lie, and now my real self was unveiled. Once again, some of what I thought and felt at the time were true; when I experienced, simply by being there with you all, what life in Christ really looks and feels like, I realized that I had not been living right, and my mind wasn’t made up yet whether I really wanted what you all had. And so, by sitting on the fence, I gave room to this unclean spirit, and once again, my life took a turn it shouldn’t have. And this time it took 7 years for me to finally humble myself, and give over to God what I wasn’t willing to give over 7 years earlier (what it was, I really am not sure, but God saw my heart and His judgment is true).
And so, in February 2022, after finding out about my mother’s condition, with my pride and ego crushed into pieces by those 7 years of misery, I once again went down on my knees, and started pleading with God, not being sure whatsoever that He would ever listen to my prayers again. But He did! He had been waiting for me all those years. He was just “A Prayer Away”, but may I add: a sincere prayer away. After all those years of darkness and hopelessness, I suddenly felt the presence of God restored to me and around me. I started feeling Him, I started feeling hope and love, and for a while I just couldn’t believe what was happening to me.
Now, I’m not sure how many days or weeks after this experience it happened, but there was a moment, while laying in my bed, when some thoughts started coming into my mind, and in a matter of moments those thoughts led me back to that same feeling: “It’s all lie. You are still not being sincere with God. No matter how hard you keep trying, you are doomed!” My first reaction was what I, at this point, had already gotten used to doing. I believed it. I think it was about a 24 hour period that I kept going around doing my business, but with the feeling that it doesn’t really matter because I am lost anyway.
I remember that I was having an appointment at my hairdresser, and on my way there and back I was just wondering how I was gonna keep living my life like this. Then, after I got home I started looking up some sports news on my computer, and suddenly a thought came into my heart. It was this: “Well, whatever the case may be, I’m still not going to live in sin.” And as soon as I had that thought, that cloud of condemnation started departing from me because I realized that that was the real me thinking. My mind was made up that whatever I might think or feel for the rest of my life, I’m still gonna do what I believe to be the right thing. Wow!! That was a revelation. And it’s perfectly echoed by what I read in the Thought for the Evening* yesterday:
“Make up your mind to serve God, no matter what you think or feel”
Even after this occasion, I remember being tempted by this same spirit once, and it felt tough at the time, but I know that the victory I had 2 years ago was big, and it has changed the dynamics of the whole thing – for good! As yesterday’s Thought for the Evening* puts it, “A made-up mind IS the victory”, and I am experiencing that day by day. Praise God!!
Just like Sister Amy said it yesterday (and I LOVED, LOVED her testimony): “When you want Jesus more than anything else…” That’s the place you want to be in, and you want to hold on to that, because when you’re in that place, no challenge, no circumstance will be too hard for you. God is so good!
Zoli
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Thank you for that testimony, Zoli. When we will not entertain that hopeless demon’s voice, it will move on to find another home, another mind to torment. I am glad you finally finished with it.
We are “appointed unto salvation through sanctification of the Spirit and belief of the truth.” Those spirits are appointed to damnation, and they have no hope of escaping it.
Pastor John